Last Wednesday, I had my dog Racetrack euthanized. I wouldn’t say that my life orbited around him but my schedule did. He made me happy so I wanted him to be happy, which in his last months meant giving him lots of medications to try to heal him and just being with him in my room so that he wouldn’t feel left out while being cooped up. Now he’s gone and that means either I get a new dog or I reorganize my life and try to figure out whatever the hell it is that young single adults without special needs dogs do with their time.
This thing with Racetrack all climaxed 4 days after a personal matter showed me that I needed to, as this person said, “get out more”. I’m at a stage in life where I need to broaden my social circle and activities, meet new people, visit new places, and I’d kept saying, “No, my dog has special needs and he comes first.” Maybe it was also a convenient excuse to keep to my old, comfortable ways. So right when I realized that I needed to change and move on, this happened. And I was, in a sense, freed from bonds that had albeit been willingly assumed. Yes, I do think God had a hand in this and getting a new dog is not the answer.
Side note, I just wanted to say this. My dad has been saying that Racetrack can open doors (he was a smart boy and left his teeth marks on many doorknobs), and so he can open the door to heaven itself. I thought it was a funny mental image. Maybe Peter would doze off, hear a rattle, and find some claw scratches and teeth marks on the pearl gates. I don’t know if animals go to heaven but I do know that there will be no more tears, whatever that entails.
It’s time for me to move on but I don’t know what to do. Today, I had lunch with a couple of friends who hugged me afterwards, went home, tried to nap but failed thanks to my sister’s hyper 1 year old golden retriever, sorted a really big pile of mail (forever thankful to my first full-time job, sorting mail now gives me a weird sense of satisfaction), felt really tired and tried to nap again, and couldn’t because I just felt lost. I haven’t been sleeping well due to the stuff that’s happened over the past couple of weeks, some really good and some really bad, the bad including letting go of Racetrack and the huge chunk of my life and identity that he represented, and I think I need something to plug into.
Hanging out with friends like I’ve been doing almost every day for like 2 weeks is good, but this level is just not sustainable.
Sure, I go to church small group, and maybe in the fall I might think about serving with the youth. Maybe. My dad brought it up once and I do have some predisposition for mentoring others so it might not be a bad fit. But I don’t see any of this as a place for expansion. My small group is my home base, the place that’s probably gonna stay mostly the same. I don’t want any… complications?
I think getting back into my old badminton community is a start. Even though I’ve been away for 6 months, I think I might actually feel more comfortable with them now than I did for most of the time before I stopped. The down side is that some of them are pretty crass and I’m not sure that I want to flock with birds who joke about getting in bed with me or brazenly ask invasive questions albeit in a non-creepy way. Scandalous! But I have to be honest. If I really wanted them to watch their manners, I could have. I didn’t want to because I’m still trying to overcome their first impression of me being cold and distant.
I thought about trying to sketch more. But art seems like a solitary pursuit. Even if I go for a class, I’m not sure how much I have in common with artsy types.
I thought about looking into the reader-writer community. Well, from what I’ve seen, they’re really sweet people but maybe more philosophical and home-y and less social and outgoing than what I’m really looking to introduce into my life.
Volunteering with animal causes like pet rescue or environmental cleanup or something sounds cool but I have physical limitations. I used to get debilitating migraines on a weekly basis due to volunteering with the local animal shelter. I don’t know what it was about working a shift that caused this because I tried drinking more water, wearing sunglasses, etc. The point is that I think it’s safe to assume that my limitations would get in the way of me being able to partake in the kind of activities I’d want to do. Plus some animal lovers are crazy, like anti-vaxxer level crazy and I don’t need that in my life.
Another problem: even though I’m freer now, my dad still asks me to be a family girl instead of a single adult. Whenever I go out, he reminds me that 家裡有事. A lot of people have been telling me that I need to get out and do my own thing but it’s still complicated even without Racetrack.
I guess I’m rambling at this point. But anyway, I’m feeling restless and lost. I was already sleep deprived and with all the stuff that happened over the past 2 weeks (including letting go of Racetrack) changing the direction of my mind, it’s hard to sleep even when I’m tired. In the end, it’s just about trying to figure out what the hell I need to do to become healthy because I’m tired of being tired, stressed, restless, and lonely.