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Ugly

2014/08/05

There’s this whole obsession with beauty and relationships and guys and girls, like, “It’s OK, someone will find you beautiful,” or, “Every girl should be told by a guy at least once that she’s beautiful.” You know what? Screw that.

I know that some guys find me reasonably good looking (or whatever reasonably above average means). But I also know that I dress with the aesthetic sense of a 10 year old boy… that I always smell like sweat and dogs and chicken shit because my backyard is a small farm… that I have all the grace of Bambi on ice (which is to say none at all)… that I have an aggressively prideful personality (I despise guys who try to help me when I don’t need it)… et cetera.

And what I want to know is why on earth do some people want to convince me that having a boyfriend is important? I don’t know how I could possibly attract any guy when I don’t even know how to carry my purse-bag-thing without feeling awkward. Sure, I find some guys admirable, or even attractive, or even cuddly, BUT I’m totally fine with them dating someone else as long as the girl’s a decent person. People act like I should be upset when someone that I have acknowledged as having attractiveness value becomes taken and I’m like, ‘is it wrong to be OK with people choosing whoever makes them happy?’ Because I know that I sure wouldn’t be able to make anybody happy. It would take an almost perfect guy to make up for my weaknesses and if he’s really that good, then he should go make perfect babies with someone who’s his equal, not waste time chasing the kind of girl who wishes that nose-picking were more socially acceptable.

If personality and all that stuff is considered in a beauty rating, then I’m ugly. And I don’t care. I don’t care that I’m not attractive enough to be anybody’s girlfriend because since when has friendship been a second class relationship? I get honestly angry about this because I feel persecuted. I ‘have’ to want a relationship and if I say that I don’t, it means that I’m ‘in denial’, because ‘GOD IN HEAVEN FORBID THAT A BOYFRIEND NOT BE ONE OF MY PRIORITIES.’ OK, so that’s false attribution but keep up with me, OK? Like, ‘Hi, I’m a mild heterosexual, not a rabid one. I HOPE THAT’S OK WITH YOU.’

And this is exactly why it’s so frustrating. The more I try to convince people that I don’t need their advice, and that I especially don’t need advice designed for people who actually want a relationship, THE MORE THEY BELIEVE THAT I’M ‘JUST IN DENIAL’… and it goes in a vicious circle of frustration and ingrained refusal to believe me.

I honestly don’t think the problem is with me. Like for Christians (and others who believe in God): don’t you guys have anything better than to do? Read your scriptures! Yes, love is important, but love is not what you think it is. Maybe a small part of it is companionship, but it’s so much more than Go Forth And Multiply, OK? For those of you who don’t believe in God: your brains are capable of programming computers and useless but immensely, absorbingly interesting things instead of just the useful, survival-related stuff. Take advantage. All of you: put your energies into something other than fussing about attraction.

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