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Man vs. dog


I woke up this morning thinking I was early.  I checked my cellphone (who uses watches these days except for joggers and rich men?) and found out that I only thought so because today is cloudy, not because I actually woke up at a reasonable hour.  It was 11AM.  Really, it could have been worse but I still wanted to sleep in.  However, yesterday I’d promised to give the dog a bath and if I wanted to get to work on time, I’d have to get out of bed.

My dog was so happy.  Since she had these, like, five days in a row of pooping indoors, my parents hadn’t let her in the house.  They figured to wait until I gave her a bath.  Technically, I gave her a shower because I don’t actually do that bath thing.

Since I took the shower with her, I won’t go into all the details, but I wonder: why do dogs look so miserable about being splashed or bathed?  If there’s a lake, she’ll plunge in, but to her, the shower looks like a gas chamber.

Also, she just has to sit with one side to the wall, as close to a corner as possible.  Sometimes she’ll stand, but it’s never when I need her to. “Sweetie, there’s fur on your butt, too.  I’m not going to forget it’s there just because you’re sitting on it.”  She also never lies down.  I understand that to a dog, lying on one’s back is like saying, “I surrender!  Shoot me, stab me, rip out my throat, do what you will because I’m surrendering to your superior power!” but as far as I know, just lying down normally shouldn’t be a traumatic experience.

So we battle it out in the shower, inevitably ending with me victoriously lathering her sorry carcass and rinsing it down.  Then I have to get her towel, saddle her with it, and lead her outside without getting the whole house wet.  Now, my shower is located upstairs.  The whole time going down the stairs, she had her head and shoulder down, rubbing against the carpeted stairs.  At one point, she flopped over entirely and refused to move.  I gave up with the towel and just chased her out of the house as fast as I could.

At the conclusion of this affair, even though I won because I forced her to take a shower, she was the real winner.  How unfair is that?  She looked better, she smelled better, and she had the exuberance of a dog reborn.  “I’M ALIVE AND I’M WET AND I’M A CRAZY CRAZY DOG!” whereas I looked like I was about to pass out (remember, I woke up an hour before this and I hadn’t had breakfast yet).  Even better, as she rolled around I noticed something almost at the base of her tail… “You missed a spot….”

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