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Berating myself

2008/01/16

Today I forgot my cell phone.  I can deal with crises as long as it’s never happened before.  Therefore, today I panicked.  I made up an excuse to my dad because after spending a day tearing myself apart (I think I can do the job almost as good as my dad now..) and guilting myself to no end… and making myself stress out about homework, finals.. I didn’t want to take it from someone else.
I said something, though, maybe because I felt guilty about it, and that led directly to my dad yelling at me and indirectly to my confession.

I always wonder why I’m so “unique”. Everyone else seems to live this charmed life.  Nothing bad happens to them.  If it does, it’s between them and a teacher, you know? It’s not something like forgetting a cell phone. This never seems to happen to them.  I mean, they seriously have more important things to worry about. I feel doubly stressed because not only do I have to worry about what any vaguely normal teen would worry about (grades, tests, friends, the meaning of life..), I also have to worry about the little things that come so natural to everyone else. I always feel like something’s wrong with my foundation. I never learned this, then I advanced, and now look I built the leaning Tower of Pisa and I doubt it’s worth anything practical. Things that people understand so naturally, can do so naturally, I struggle with.

My dad is upset.  He says maybe part of the reason was him. Even though it kind of is, it’s mostly my fault. for being… illogical?

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you take a cloud and pin it down?
how do you find a word that means Maria?
….
Many a thing you know you ought to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
but how do make her stay
and listen to all you say?
…….

I try not to feel sorry for myself.  I try to blame myself.  I try to internally take responsibility.  It’s never enough.  I’m not concerned with pleasing my parents.  I just want to feel like I can be in control, I’m responsible.

I know what I do doesn’t make sense, because every time they ask, “why” I practically feel like a blockhead. Gee, really. When I don’t make sense, I want to make things right, but my erratic behavior is a frustration. I want to make sense.  I don’t want to be a problem, I want to be a solved problem. but I always get myself into some form of trouble.

What if I were an emancipated minor? What if it were inevitable, whether I was prepared or not? What would I do then?  Even if I’m not, that doesn’t give me an excuse to be unable to rely on myself.  I wish I could.  I’m not saying I want to get out of my house, I just want to be “strong” (not physically, I’m hopeless in that aspect). Back to the point. If I were on my own, I would fall apart? Isn’t that terrible? I’m just so lucky.  I’m so ashamed of it.

My conclusion? To me, life sucks.  It’s pointless.  and that’s more or less the point.  The punishment for being pointless is life.  and if you try to take your own life, you’re a fool.  The point is not to be rewarded, “get what you deserve, whether you really deserve it or not”(Kingsolver). Don’t ask me what it is.  I’m just saying what I believe it ain’t.

Note that my conclusion really hasn’t much to do with everything above it.  How pointless…

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