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Articulation day

2007/10/19

I’m so stressed>>>>>>>>>>depressed. YOU know. Like yesterday, I was depressed… I acted normal/happy until I got home and no one else was there.  When Z3 asked, “You’re STILL here?” I hollered, “Yeah”, when K4 spotted me “[Shock]! are you okay?” (To be honest, I think K4’s a very caring person, no matter how selfish her family acts.. there are some things that you can’t help acquiring… you know?) I waved like mad.  I helped the other girl with her bus schedule, and I was just normal on the phone.
But when I got home, I cried.  I hated myself.  I whispered over and over, “Big girls don’t cry”.  Then i fumed, “Adults should be allowed to cry too–no wonder they’re always more stressed.  They never outgrew teen angst–they grew to dismiss it” I said to me, “You’re being so selfish.”  and I wished I could start over my life from scratch.  I want to erase everything bad, well rather, every idiotic thing I’ve ever done.

Like I told this hispanic girl in my PE class and N6,  I’m a reluctant suicidal, emphasis on reluctant.  I will never kill myself, but I have the same way of thinking.  On one hand, I would want to die all over again from seeing people’s reaction to my being dead.  On the other hand, I want to know if they’d really have the reaction I expect them to.  I don’t know what to believe anymore, i think? -_-.

I can’t stand seeing anyone depressed, but in a good way.. I can’t stand seeing shallow people happy in a bad way (don’t rat out but… I’m thinking of my Chem AP class–Z5 and A6 are probably smart like any old asian ‘cept me, but I wish they would freaking shut up.  Maybe I’m being selfish, but they’re high-schoolers and they’re acting like fifth graders…. For all i know, fifth graders could be more mature!)
I hate it when girls cry at school.  It’s like they’re asking for pity… and boy, do they get it! “Awww what happened” and chances are it has something to do with their ******* boyfriend.  What the hell! I don’t give a **** because they’re stupid enough to let their feelings rule.  They don’t understand the complexities of love, and their boyfriends definitely won’t either.  TRUST me.  I have an amazing capacity for empathy and an amazing sense of judgement (emotions vs. practical) and when the practical side rules my empathy, It’s trust me I know what you’re going through but I still think you’re stupid.
But if it’s not at school……. yyah.  Empathy controls judgement. Aren’t I consistent? -_-.

Yeah… depression and anger… and that stupid Korean poser-tomboy that keeps glomping Haemin* said I couldn’t be emo.  I hate it when emo people HAVE to have this haircut, HAVE to dress like this, dadadadada.

I’m never going to get friends.. not to dismiss the ones I do so here:
About my good friends…  L6 is so patient and great and stable and happy, she doesn’t count! xD *bad logic* (I can figure correct answers but I never know how I got there).  N2… she’s so generous! (unlike her dad… -_-;;) but she laughs so easily, at stuff that i don’t really think is that funny.  I think she should say things straight out if she’s mad, throw a fit if she doesn’t agree and put up a decent fight.  When she gets uncomfortable and says, “Well….”, that’s what she should do instead, III think..  but she is very very very generous. but since she follows me a little blindly, she doesn’t count (I’m sorry…  fight for yourself, lady!)

*[I feel really sorry that I ever said that because she’s actually a great person.]

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