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2007/01/14

i feel like an idiot.  why do so many people seem so much better compared to me?  Haemin and Katherine are smart, likeable, and efficient… this is the athletic half.  Joanne and Angela are the math whizzes… and Angela’s still a really good runner.  everyone who drives me insane, they don’t look like they’re affected by regrets or the past, like they’ve never been stupid in their life.  And i’m the freak.  when i was little… it can be blamed on my dad, but i still feel like i should have had a better start (also, my mom uses a lot against me when she’s protecting my sis from me).  and then bad habits that i can’t stand.  and every time i wasn’t the perfect angel, doing my homework well all the time because i played first, worked later.  then being a failure of a pet owner (this is quite awhile ago).  then making an idiot of myself (when i shedded 6th grade friends, believe it or not, i also shedded half my personality, but when we were still friends… i should have just stuck to my books)

and now look at me.
i’m bad at chinese (i quit chinese school, and if anything, Jennifer and Jeffrey S. always manage to get me depressed about it in some way)
i’m bad at english (i’m always worried that i won’t be able to “succeed” in the future… i’m not even sure i’ll like doing what i’m currently planning on doing, because it’ll be hectic, i’m sure)
i’m bad at sports (and i feel like it’s too late to participate in PE, so i just don’t)
i’m bad at martial arts (although i’ve tried a lot, i only just got signed up in 8th grade and my reflexes are… i can’t think of the word, but it has something to do with hell… terrible is an understatement)
i never get great scores on tests because
i never take great notes
i’m an anime freak
i’m very absentminded, ALWAYS losing one thing or another
i feel like i’m putting on an act

i’m sure there’s more, but i can’t remember them all.

good things
i admit i’m a loser
i read a large variety of genres (unless the center is romance… i just think people are stupid and mushy)
i’m proud of every time i remembered to shut up (because listening to me is never anyone’s top priority, and to keep talking would just prolong the time i add up as wasted)
i don’t know how to shop
my dog loves me best (she goes into her cage only when i ask her to… my dad has to drag her)
i’m ruled by the “mind” as opposed to emotions
i believe in God no matter what.  even in my doubt (and believe me, i’ve felt shaky before) i still say, “but God has to exist” and if He doesn’t, then i’d have died long before now.
i believe that even though certain things [this is sort of an inside thing for myself] aren’t practical, they’re still worth working for.
i keep trying- i keep fighting the urge to say “i can’t, i’m in pain” and instead think “it really isn’t that bad, i’m just weak if i say that”
one of my “don’t go there”s is… is it called a crude joke? but if you get my meaning, any of those jokes, don’t make one about me.  i will try to kill you.
i’m not afraid of death.  i’d just rather not, for the time being.  if a meteor is going to destroy earth in my lifetime, i’m not going to be the first to panic.  varsha will!!
and hopefully, there’s more…

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. 2007/01/14 23:26

    hmmm…you sound depressed, and here i am thinking that i’m the one who’s depressed.look, don’t go so hard on yourself. you really aren’t as bad as you think you are. and i really wish you wouldn’t just stop talking when you think people aren’t listening to you…or uh…what am i saying? maybe you should, but what i meant was that i wish you’d never stop talking in front of me. seriously, i’m the kind of person who really can’t talk and i’d feel uncomfortable if i’m with another person and we’re not saying anything…that is, if we get the chance to talk to each other…

  2. 2007/01/15 17:24

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. Seriously, it gets into a long-lasting cycle and it doesn’t feel very nice. When you accept yourself life feels a lot tamer & you feel more content in general, and then you can start trying to change if you’re not entirely satisfied. For a good thing, I always thought you seemed to be a matter-of-fact sensible-ish person (not in a boring way, but in a way where, you know, you can actually have an animated conversation that makes SENSE)… which is a zillion times better than being a complete ditz (being ditzy once in a while can be fun… but always ditzy? That’s just dumb-looking). Uh.. yeah. Course I dunno you that well but that was my impression, and those count for something. xP. Have a nice day.

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