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new layout/ flashback/ paradox of friendship/ smiles/ mv of the day


haha i still think esther looks like boa, but without dyed hair, and no one is ever convincing me otherwise.

i just remembered how i met Rebekah Tsang and Rebecca Chao and first saw some of the other older ppl that have been here longer. i actually joined DCCC sometime in the middle of 2nd grade (i forgot it until about late sixth grade, then KIND of forgot it again).
i was going on a retreat. it was another big house thing, and had good food and all that. i was staying with Frank, Nanette, Alana, and JJ, cuz i remember my parents weren’t there to remind me… i’ll save it for later. it was during the period when i was obssessed with Charlotte Church’s debut stuff.
(this is very fuzzy) i was playing fooseball with mostly ppl i didn’t know. the ONE part i remember was a ‘rebecca/rebekahs’ v. random guys- i’m not sure who THEY WERE. i don’t remember winning OR losing. just very amazed that there were about five ‘rebekah/rebeccas’ i knew at that point (need i mention i forgot some?). and temporarily forming a slight aversion to whoever i was playing against.
afterwards i wandered around a bit, up an outdoor wooden stair, quite close to the roof, seeing how much of the lyrics from ‘voice of an angel’ i memorized (not that it took so long to forget when i was through with it) and looking down at the guys who didn’t know i was there, kind of pitying them (let’s just say i’ve been a prude for an EXTREMELY long time). when i came down, i ran into nanette.
her: “uhm what are you doing still here?”
me: “??? what?? the children’s meeting already started????” *shock* (after all, there were a lot of ‘kids’ still out)
her: “what were you doing, anyway?”
me: “oh, just [insert]” (i have totally forgotten what i said.. i KNOW it’s related to what i was doing, but i’ve completely forgotten how i said it)
the retreat is also why for years after (but i’m too big now), nanette and frank still hugged me, patted me on the head, treat me like i’m their kid, too, etc.

last year i was pretty nice to my friends, but unlimitingly violent to b****es and guys who bothered me (doing everything i hated: saying hi overenthusiastically, asking me out, and one left a note on my locker- with the worst spelling i’ve ever seen. i figured out who it was because there was one guy who wouldn’t shut up about anger management). this year, i don’t do anything more than an occasional sarcastic dis. my friends have to be on guard against falling due to shoves: (in the play on Monday) i shoved varsha over a log, occasionally i wing her around by the arm, and i tug on backpacks. last year i just held on to haemin’s because i couldn’t fit next to her, what with 2-3 other girls marching on either side. i swipe, too. and if i bang into someone accidentally (or not), God help them if they are to come out in one piece.
also, i have this inherent feeling that i’m not part of any group of friends, that some of them are about to start talking behind my back like they did to Joanne last year (it got to the point of exclusion, when they made her cry and i didn’t know what to think, but it’s ok now), and that i’m looked down upon.
i hate this whole friendship deal.

i find 2 different kinds of smiles interesting. one is the kind you get from strangers. it’s not bright. i get the feeling that the person is depressed and is thinking “at least i can make someone else happy” by smiling in a half-pitying way. the other is the slightly smug, slightly guarded ones in friendly competition.

sooo… my site just screwed.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    2006/05/14 11:38

    umm, well i go to holmes and found that blogring so i entered it.

  2. Anonymous permalink
    2006/05/14 18:28

    lolheck yah…  ooh boa..  yah esther does look like her

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