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Essay–I need comments


OK, I wrote this for English and if anyone has the time, will you look it over and leave me any comments? Thanks, ’cause it’s due Friday, and I do NOT trust my classmates to be brutally honest.

The USA PATRIOT Act is necessary because civil liberties should not come with a risk, the risk of becoming another unidentifiable bloody corpse due to a terrorist attack. The Patriot Act protects US citizens. Electronic communications interception is trying to track down criminals (a.k.a. terrorists); for example, when the Lackawanna Six were under suspicion

of working with terrorist groups, they may have been wiretapped to see if they contacted a terrorist group to discuss plans for attack and other illegal operations. Also, sharing of intelligence between American intelligence agencies is authorized iff* the seeker of the information procures it to help carry out the official duties of that person (Patriot Act, Title II, Section 203). Thanks to the Patriot Act, the Lackawanna Six, the Portland Seven, Hermant Lakhani, and Jared Bjarnson** have been arrested; who knows what might have happened had they not been found out? To those who have been reading about the so-called racism and violations of the Fourth Amendment in the Patriot Act, the Patriot Act does not give the government superfluous power unnecessary for tracking down terrorists. When search notification is delayed, it’s only because it would have gone against common sense by informing a terrorist when evidence must be concealed and/or destroyed v. when they may carry on with their plans, so nothing (in regard to us) would be accomplished and we’d have a terrorist on the loose. The Act is not aimed at just anyone, but is specifically pointed at criminals, and mostly terrorists. People may take ‘fighting terrorists’ to mean persecution of Muslim/Arab- Americans, but in reality, the Patriot Act condemns, and condones punishment for, all discriminatory acts (Patriot Act, Title I, Section 102). Still, terrorists do exist within the US, and the Patriot Act is our counterattack. 700,000 illegal immigrants are estimated to come in each year (now multiply that by the number of years they have been coming in) from Mexico, any % of whom may be terrorists, but the government seems to be nonchalant about that, even though this may have a major negative impact on the US, considering the damage terrorists can do.  Terrorists can easily enter the US illegally by paying the illegal guides to help smuggle in the them and their supplies. If the Government won’t even outlaw the illegal immigrants, then the terrorists will have absolute free reign here; the Patriot Act is simply trying to sweep them into jail before they can cause considerable damage, but many citizens exaggerate the essential parts of the Act to make it seem unconstitutional and racist. The USA Patriot Act deserves the support of US citizens who value their lives because it’s all that’s between our security and the terrorists.

*iff- if and only if

**Lackawanna and Bjarnson- terrorist correspondents

‘K … Thanks for the comments… I’ll save the commentary on the essay but someone remind me to stop screwing around with strangers. But yeah… it’s a position paper… so it’s not really commenting on the essay when you argue your own point. I’m just looking for writing essentials ’cause I’m such a crappy writer (cough, N2, cough)

Which is why my mom is signing me up for either Writing Dynamics or English Composition for ATS. Then she wants me to take Latin. Then like this random science class that is just not what I’m leaning toward (I asked if I could take Microbiology, which studies malicious bacteria… yay.)

Yes, illegal immigration is a controversy, but I believe that they’re called ILLEGAL for a reason… see?

9 Comments leave one →
  1. 2006/04/05 02:00

    First line: “… THE risk of becoming another unidentifiable bloody corpse BECAUSE OF/DUE TO terrorist attacks.” (The sentence was kinda awkward for me, so using due to instead of “from” clears up things a bit)
    “All electronic communications interception (what some people seem to feel is eavesdropping) ARE *I think it’s plural since you used plural on “electronic communications”* related to criminal offenses
    that’s all I’m doing for now, going to bed. xp it looks good though! do you do well in english?

  2. 2006/04/05 02:02

    oh and ever hear what Ben Franklin once said about freedom? “Those who will give up their freedom for some temporary safety deserve neither freedom, nor safety.” That’s what I believe the Patriot Act is doing. Taking away freedom for temporary safety.
    Peace and Unity
    Don’t delete this comment. it’s an actual response to your essay.

    • ʃ.ɑ.k permalink*
      2014/08/25 16:40

      ^ This is an example of a valid point but the wrong answer since the post asks for writing help, not opinion help.

  3. 2006/04/05 02:06

    dang… you’re a good writer… wonder when I’m ever going to write as well as you do…
    uh, what I meant was, I have no comments except that you’re really really good. you know better than to ask me stuff for English ’cause I’m horrible at it. it’s my worst subject. always has been, always will be.

  4. 2006/04/05 02:20

    Acutally, Wistful_EyesO_O, I think it would be singular, because the word is/are is actually referring to the word “interception”. It should either be singular or “interception” should be “interceptionS”. …had they not been found out? Question mark there, I think. Because you’re asking a “who knows” question. I think you wanna kill the “still” after “Section 102)” and you might not want to make an issue of illegal immigrants, as that in itself is a pretty combustable topic right now, and could set your opposition off on that, and turning the debate in a completely different direction. Also, superfluous power (that is?) unnecessary, just to define it a little better. Yay, two cents! Good luck. : )

  5. 2006/04/05 19:51

    B6 and C5? I’ll try to remember. I know their names somewhere in my head (actually went to school with Kim last year) but for some reason I can’t remember names when I need to use them. XD Thanks though. : )

  6. 2006/04/05 20:37

    It’s a good writing assignment however, you need to put why it’s a good thing that there are illegal immigrants

  7. 2006/04/05 23:55

    what the hell is wrong with you? you can’t just say that the liberties that our founding fathers fought so hard to win should be taken away just for safety’s sake!!!!! do you also think that we shouldn’t be given trial under a jury? do you think evidence should be taken without a warrant?
    I suppose it doesn’t matter because no one else agrees that the patriot act is good so whatever.

    • ʃ.ɑ.k permalink*
      2014/08/25 16:48

      ^ Yikes. This is an example of a wrong answer and a bad argument. A big one is the “no one else agrees,” which implies that majority opinion equates right. Based on assumptions that I should have outlined in my writing but didn’t because no one pointed it out, my positions were understandable and some attempt at critical reasoning had been made. Purple Monster’s comment is an example of what not to do, obviously as a writing editor but also as a writer/thinker.

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